January 20th, 3013
Dear Lampard Community,
First, I would like to thank you for your financial and moral support throughout the excavation of the area formerly known as the United States of America (USA). It has been of great assistance during the archeological digs. And as promised we have enclosed a full report of our findings on the human race living in the USA before its destruction. Again, thank you for the support.
The females of the USA have proven to be the most intriguing of the group. Their main goal, as of our findings, was to find a mate or even multiple mates. Not even with the purpose of procreating. The often alter their bodies to the extreme to attract the males of the race. So extreme that it caused genetically altered evolution processes in later generations. The evolutions began in the 21st century. Females were known to chemically alter the color of their hair, to make it lighter. As lighter hair colors seem to attract the males more than the darker colors. Females were also known to inject their faces with poison, altering their facial expressions, so as not to frighten the males. The phrase to identify this poison was botox (pronounced like buttocks). Females also had packets of gel or Styrofoam (the material which lead to their destruction) under the skin on their upper chests, also to attract males. Towards the end of the human race, evolution took over and females were born, and began growing larger breasts by the age of nine.
Both sexes wore metal ropes on their teeth as children to create straight teeth, which the world found attractive. Usually only the wealthy wore these metal ropes. The parents of these children with metal ropes used these to show off their wealth and status in the community. Both sexes also sat in beds lined with damaging bulbs that shone like the light of their sun. The person in the bed would lie in the bed in the nude for an average of twenty minutes at a time, slowly cooking their innards. This was used as a form of torture for young adults from their parents, it was termed as tanning.
The “Americans” as they were called, stayed in their homes for days at a times, therefore making it difficult to attract the opposite sex. Instead they put pictures of themselves on computers, an earlier version of rahtmas, as we know them now. These same computer users also went to educations centers for over fifteen years each. Starting off at the age of four or five, and depending on their chosen profession could go up to the age of thirty (for medical doctors) or more! The Americans used the same tactics to teach their youth as we do today, but extended it over periods of time, instead of using osmosis (a much more efficient process). However, according to our records Americans did not have access to osmosis as we do today.
Finally, the most peculiar of the Americans lifestyle is caffeine, the humans would go without sleep for days at a time, either studying for education centers or playing on their computers. To up their energy the Americans would drink caffeinated beverages. Caffeine was a white, crystalline, bitter alkaloid, usually derived from coffee or tea: used in medicine chiefly as a nervous system stimulant. There were places to purchase this substance all over cities, and many different dealers to buy from. The downside of the substance, were the terrible nervous system crashes, after the caffeine had left the system. Those who drank it would be on tip top productivity mode while the drink was in their system, but as soon as it left their systems, they would be exhausted and incompetent in their work.
I’m sure there will be more findings in the future, again thank you so much for your sponsorship of us, and we look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
Sincerely,
Mifaal Coshkan
Mifaal Coshkan
Head Excavationist at site USA
